While going to therapy is known to be highly effective, supported by research, and is lauded in many circles, it still gets a bad rap in popular culture. Therapists are often portrayed on TV and in movies as unethical buffoons who sleep with their clients! Yikes!
Fortunately, this is extremely rare in reality. Sadly, stigma about getting therapeutic help for our mental health still exists in many circles. My impression is that this negative attitude exists mostly among two groups of people:
people who have have never worked with a counselling therapist
and people who have had a poor experience with one, and never tried again
I feel terrible for this second group of people. I imagine these people finally making the decision to reach out to a counsellor. They are at a low point in their lives — as we all are when we decide to reach out for help. They might feel uneasy, nervous, and awkward about doing this new, unfamiliar thing where vulnerability a key part. It's scary! They are possibly also skeptical. But they schedule an appointment anyway, because they really hope for help in reducing their distress. In anticipation of the upcoming appointment they have uncomfortable feelings like worry, doubt, anxiety, dread, nervousness — but maybe they also feel excitement, hopefulness, and even some relief at taking this brave step towards feeling better.
They go to the first session.
They open up to a stranger about sensitive, private topics that —of course — cause them to feel highly vulnerable and most likely emotional. Of course!
And then, the worst thing happens — they get let down by the counsellor. The counsellor creates some kind of poor experience for them, such as: being invalidating, dismissive, judgemental, or just by being a poor fit for them in some way. The experience is uncomfortable enough that this client decides not to return for second session. Or to never go to therapy again.
It is breaks my heart that many people who have a single, negative therapy experience then stop completely, do not try another counsellor, and give up on seeking support from counsellors altogether. They conclude, “I tried seeing a counsellor. It did not go well enough. Therefore, therapy is not for me.”
I heard this kind of statement over and over again when I spoke to people back when I worked on the Suicide Crisis Phone Line as a frontline crisis worker. I hear it anecdotally out in the world. But it is not true! Therapy probably could be helpful for them and for you, too — as long as you find a good enough fit.
I want to encourage to anyone in this group to please try again. Please keep trying.
Try again
I promise you: there is a therapist out there who is a good fit for you and can be a benefit to your mental health. In fact, most therapists are decent, well-trained, and empathetic people who will likely be helpful. Yes, there are some duds, or some who are not a good fit for you, but most are at minimum pretty good and somewhat helpful. And being even somewhat helpful can still be a huge help when one is are suffering. There are also many therapists who are highly skilled and incredibly helpful.
Please do yourself a favour and try again.
Shame dies when stories are told in a safe place.
— Ann Voskamp
I know, from my own experience on both sides of the therapy room, how truly beneficial working with a counsellor can be, so I feel saddened that this group of people — people who had an active interest in therapy, were willing to sign up and go, and then actually did go to an appointment — and then, due to a poor first experience, do not and will not get the opportunity to experience how helpful and, yes, life-changing, counselling therapy really can be.
Saying “counselling is not for me” is like saying, I tried a mechanic once, it did not go well, so I won’t ever go to a mechanic again. So now you car will just never get serviced? We would never do that. We would find a better mechanic.
Saying "counselling is not for me" is kind of like saying “colours are not for me” or “music is not for me”. Really? No music? No music is interesting to you? No colours are appealing to you? None of the many many counsellors out there might be helpful to you? No one? Unlikely.
Why is it important to find a counsellor who is a good fit?
According to research, the biggest predictor of counselling therapy being helpful is a good fit between you and your therapist.
This makes sense: you are a unique individual, so you need to find a counsellor who is a good fit for YOU, in particular. If you try one and you do not feel like you can build a trusting, open connection with them, keep trying different counsellors until you find one you can. The feeling of trust, comfort, and openness IS a critical part of why therapy works. The relationship between you and your therapist IS the TOOL that you use to do the therapeutic work (read more on the therapeutic relationship and psychotherapy outcome here).
We are wounded in relationships and we heal in relationships.
— Harville Hendrix
Dr. Lisa Firestone, who writes on the therapy relationship, suggests, “a good therapist has a deep interest in their client as an individual and will see and relate to them in ways that are sensitively tailored to the person’s specific needs. There is no one proven method of therapy — no one-size-fits-all approach to treatment, because no one person is like the other. In order to be available to a (client) and establish a solid relationship built on trust and understanding, the therapist has to be equally attuned to the (client) and their own state of being. (Lisa Firestone Ph.D., 2016 — read more here).
You do NOT need to force it with a therapist who you do not feel comfortable with. There are many other counsellors to choose from. Just like there are other mechanics, hair stylists, grocery stores, friends, and restaurants. Finding a good fit is like finding the right tool. Find one who helps your life feel better. (Read more in this paper)
Fortunately, most counsellors are drawn to the profession because of their natural ability, interest, and desire to connect deeply with others, and then hone that with training and education. Therefore, most therapists will probably feel ok, pretty good, or even feel like an excellent fit. But at least some will be a poor fit for any number or reasons: they talk too fast, talk too loud, talk too much, not talk enough, talk too softly, or not softly enough. Some may have a style of communicating that simply doesn’t work for you, or they may remind you of your nasty 3rd grade teacher or your parent. They may be too directive, or not directive enough for you. They may be too spiritual, or not spiritual enough for you. They may be too scientific, or not scientific enough for you. There are many reasons why someone may not be a fit for you — this is simply because you are a unique person with unique needs and preferences. Many, many counsellors will be good enough to be helpful to you, or better.
Stinkers
Sadly, some therapists are duds (or just a dud for you or not a fit for you). Like in all groups of people, some of us suck. And, yes, sadly, some of us will be stinkers. There are stinkers in every profession. Even counselling. We all regret the stinkers.
Getting a stinker sucks. And we have all had them. Sometimes in counselling — but certainly we have all had our share of poor counsellors, teachers, doctors, realtors, hair stylists, accountants, mechanics, etc. Pick a profession and stinkers will, sadly, be there.
I’ve had my share. The counsellors who don’t listen, who don’t remember anything about you, the ones who talk about themselves way too much, the ones who show up late for appointments, the ones who seem very judgemental, the condescending ones, the ones who are inappropriate, the ones who don’t seem to be paying attention, the ones who check their phones in session, and, yes, the ones who sleep with their clients.
These poor behaviours and boundary crossings make the rest of us shudder! Fortunately, I have also had some amazing counsellors.
Questions to ask yourself
How might you identify a therapist who is good fit for you?
Here are a few questions to keep in mind as you work with a therapist assess fit:
Do you feel increasingly comfortable with them?
Does it feel like they hear you and understand you?
Does trust feel present and possible?
Do they behave respectfully and professionally?
Do they mostly follow through with their commitments, and begin and end sessions on time?
Are they clear and straightforward in their communication?
Are they accepting and non-judgemental?
Do you feel comfortable asking them questions? Do they welcome your questions when you ask them?
Do they ask you helpful questions that help you know yourself better?
Do they provide a safe place to explore your struggles?
Keep searching until you find counselling therapist who feels like a good fit for you. Please keep trying. Do not give up. If you have a need and an interest in working with a therapist, my wish for you is that you find one who you can experience the benefit of the therapeutic process with. It can be a life affirming and life changing process.
Warmly,
Laurel