Relationships are hard. Here is why.

As a relationship therapist, I do a lot of learning, studying, and reading about relationships and how to be a better relationship therapist. One of my all-time favourite relationship researchers, teachers, and relationship therapists is Stan Tatkin. In this TED talk, he explains some of the neurobiological reasons of why relationships are so hard and what the main project of our intimate relationships is. I encourage everybody who is in a relationship to watch this.

“Relationships are hard. But what if it's not you or them or sex, money or even who picks up the socks. What if there is a far more primitive reason?

In this talk, relationship expert Stan Tatkin explores why we fight from the perspective of neuroscience – and how to give your relationship a fighting chance.

Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice.”

Be a More Empowered Bi+ Therapy Client

What Your Therapist Needs to Know
to Support You Better

Get curious about your therapist’s Bi+ clinical competency
and your unique Bi+ challenges and mental health risks. 

Being on the Bisexual Spectrum (Bi+) is still fraught. The strange thing is that it seems like it shouldn’t be. Aren’t we way past Bisexuality being an issue for anyone by now? This belief is actually part of the problem: the struggles Bi+ people grapple with continue to be dismissed, under-studied, and minimized, and we are cast as whiny, confused, and attention-seeking. This very dismissal prevents the struggles the Bi+ population’s experiences from being appropriately heard, understood, acknowledged, validated, and therefore addressed. Continuing to bring up the difficulties we face as Bi+ community members is framed as exactly the whiny, attention-seeking we are accused of. It is a catch-22-type trap! If we bring it up, we are dismissed; if we don’t bring it up, the harm existing in the status quo continues.

For years I have been living with, and thinking about, the struggles that people on the Bisexual Spectrum endure. As a Bi+ person, I have grappled with these issues since well before I had adequate understanding or language to describe them. Now, thinking through the topic as a Registered Clinical Counsellor (RCC) and Bi+ person, I want to articulate what I have learned about the challenges we in the Bi+ population continue to face, including significant invisibility.

The last place we want to feel invisible is with our therapists! Yet numerous Bi+ therapy clients are invisible to their therapists. This article may help you identify Bi+ affirming therapists, educate your therapist who may not be aware of the unique challenges you may face as a Bi+ person, and help you advocate for yourself better in the therapy room.

A note on terminology: Bi+

I am using the terms “Bi+” and “Bisexual spectrum” to refer to all who recognize themselves to be multi-sexual, including: bisexual, queer, pansexual, fluid sexuality, and others who know themselves to be non-monosexual. Language is fluid, and this is my current working terminology. Others may use these terms in slightly different ways — or even evolve new language.

An evolving acronym: 2SLGBTQI+ and the Invisible B

The queer community was once-upon-a-time referred to as the lesbian and gay community. Soon bisexuals were added, and an acronym was born. For a long time, it was called “the LGB”, and then “the LGBT”, community. Decades later, the acronym has grown substantially as the community works to be more inclusive of various gender expressions and sexualities. In 2025, it is known as the 2SLGBTQI+ community in Canada (it varies in other countries). Despite this progress toward inclusivity, Bisexuality still seems strangely absent from discussions about queerness, and a cursory foray into TikTok confirms continued invalidation. This article, along with many strong Bi+ advocates and writers, is part of trying to change this.

According to research, one-third of young people identify on the Bisexual Spectrum, yet one-fifth of the general population does not even believe such a spectrum even exists [1]. In addition, although the Bi+ population makes up almost 60% of the 2SLGBTQI+ population [2], many people within that community deny our existence. When Bi+ people are acknowledged, it is often as the subject of jokes, fetishizing narratives, or invalidating statements. If you are out as Bi+, then I bet you know what I am talking about. Who else has had a family member make threesome jokes about you at family gatherings? Ick!

Bi+ people are often presumed to be heterosexual, gay or lesbian based on the identities of their current partnerships. Such an oversight not only invalidates their sexuality, it also assumes sexuality cannot exist as a facet of who they are outside of a relationship. Sexuality is a human trait that is not contingent upon one’s current choice of partner: our sexuality goes with us — it is ours’. It belongs to us regardless of our partner.

Bi+ people are frequently missed by research and services that group us together with gays or lesbians. As a result, Bi+ people are under-recognized, under-served, and under-studied. This aspect of Bi+ invisibility has serious implications for competency in the practice of counselling therapy and for Bi+ therapy clients’ lives. If nothing else, the one place therapy clients should not be invisible or invalidated is in our counselling sessions with our therapists! I am hoping this article can help empower you with more knowledge about what to look for and expect in a therapist.

Bi+ Stressors and Challenges

When you are choosing a counselling therapist, is it important to understand that most them did not receive specific training in their counselling programs to help them understand the unique needs and challenges of the Bi+ population.

Bisexual-identified individuals experience unique challenges associated with their bisexuality. However, currently there is a paucity of research on how bisexual and monosexual experiences differ, as well as on what experiences facilitate or impede bisexual identity development and mental health. This lack of information leads to minimal mention of and virtual invisibility of bisexuality in the most commonly used textbooks directed at counseling diverse clients. [3]

It is important that counsellors be aware that their Bi+ clients have increased mental health risks in comparison with the general population and with their 2SLGBTQI+ peers.

Some of the reasons for Bi+ clients’ poorer mental health outcomes include: [4]

• Our Bi+ sexual identities are perpetually contested

• Stigmatization — we engage in ongoing effort to manage our identity to reduce the negative impact of stigmatization

• We have higher incidence of poor physical and mental health outcomes

• We have higher incidence of suicidal ideation and substance use

• Bi+ invisibility, biphobia, bi-negativity and bi-erasure

• Monosexism (see definition in sidebar)

• We are frequently assumed to be more likely to cheat, or be less monogamous than others

• We are more likely to be sexualized

• We are more likely to be presumed to pass on sexually transmitted diseases

• We have lower levels of self-disclosure, therefore tend to be less out than their queer peers

• We have less community connectedness than 2SLGBTQI+ peers

• We have higher risk of anxiety and mood struggles than lesbian, gay and hetero peers

• We are more likely to receive pressure to change or lie about one’s identity, or are pressured to keep one’s identity secret and remain closeted

• The lack of Bi+ community leads to increased isolation, and to miss out on the protective aspects of community that Gay and Lesbian peers benefit from

• Bi+ women are more likely than hetero women or lesbians to experience intimate partner violence

• Bi+ women face particular challenges due to a higher likelihood of being fetishized

• Bi+ men face particular suspicion, scorn and doubts to their sexuality and masculinity

• When trans and non-binary identities intersect with being Bi +, clients may face compounded erasure, misunderstanding, or invalidation

• The trans and non-binary Bi+ populations are even more under-researched

• We have more trouble finding Bi+ affirming therapists

• Double discrimination: we are often maligned by both 2SLGBTQI+ and hetero populations

• We engage in ongoing emotional labour of continuously having to come out over and over again

• We experience invisibility in many spaces

While some of these challenges may be similar to those experienced by other marginalized populations, it is clear that Bi+ populations experience specific and unique challenges and mental health risks and may be some of the reasons we seek therapy support.

As I am writing this article, I am hyper aware of the trope of the “whiny bisexual”, and that writing this article feeds right into that minimizing piece of dismissive bi-negativity. If this type of thought crossed your mind, you too have been touched by bi-negativity! We get labelled “whiny” when we advocate for themselves.

What are counselling therapists missing?

As I reflect on being Bi+ through the lens of counselling therapy and as a therapist who primarily works with 2SLGBTQI+ clients, I continue to observe a deep need for improved Bisexual Clinical Competency (BiCC) among therapists. The therapist’s attitudes toward Bi+ sexuality influence clinical judgements, reactions, and therapeutic relationships. More than empathy, Bisexual Clinical Competency is predicated on a clinician’s attitudes toward Bi+ sexuality [5].

Part of being a counselling therapist is advocacy for their clients’ best interests. Happily, we have witnessed and experienced increased advocacy for therapists’ lesbian and gay clients, their BIPOC clients, their neuro-diverse clients, their trans clients, and more. We generally assume, and rightly expect, topics related to these groups will be addressed in counselling training, supervision, conferences, etc. However, the advocacy on behalf of Bi+ people has not yet had sufficient impact to ensure widespread and adequate Bisexual Clinical Competency among therapists. In fact, most 2SLGBTQI+ competency training conflates bisexuality with lesbian and gay experience and does not acknowledge this population’s particular challenges. As a result, Bi+ people are dismissed as not having unique problems or their problems are minimized.

Bisexual Clinical Competency (BiCC)

Bisexual Clinical Competency refers to a counselling therapist’s competency in serving their Bi+ clients in an affirming, welcoming, knowledgeable manner with the understanding that bisexuality is a stable, healthy sexuality. The counsellor would be aware of the specific types of challenges and stigmas Bi+ clients face and of the impacts on their mental health, relationships, and long-term health outcomes.

Therapists have a responsibility to create safer spaces for their Bi+ clients so that we are able to process our experiences — including topics that are unrelated to our sexuality. Improved competency will allow therapists to become more attuned to their Bi+ clients unique challenges. I believe the vast majority of therapists would welcome increasing their own competency and learning about their biases regarding their Bi+ clients! Share this article with your therapist! They may know this stuff already — yay — or may be unaware of some of what you encounter as a Bi+ person.

What does Bi+ affirming therapy look like?

• The therapist is aware of the stigmas and unique challenges associated with being Bi+

• They understand the impacts that bi-negativity, erasure, stereotypes, exclusion and the resulting bi-invisibility have on Bi+ clients’ health outcomes and daily lives

• They are affirming and validating of their clients’ Bi+ identity and have an understanding of Bi+ sexuality as stable, healthy, and legitimate

• They are aware that the therapeutic relationship may hold particular importance in reducing the feelings of isolation and loneliness, which research tells us Bi+ clients report higher levels of  

• They do not over-focus on the clients Bi+ identity

• They have explored their own attitudes toward Bi+ sexuality and are able to acknowledge the implications of these on their counselling practice so as not to invoke stereotypes, stigmas, misinformation, or bi-negativity

• If a therapist cannot uphold Bi+ affirming practices, they should be proactive about referring Bi+ clients to a therapist who can show up in an affirming manner

• They are aware that voicing “an alternative normalizing narrative is needed — both in terms of the existence of Bi+ lived experience, and of living within a Bi+ negative and erasing society” [6], especially given the prevalence of Bi+ erasure and heteronormativity

• They are aware that Bi+ identities can involve fluid experiences of self across time, context, and relationship — they would avoid framing this fluidity as confusion, immaturity, or pathology

As Bi+ clients and community members, we confront numerous challenges unique to our sexuality — the worst of which might be living an unseen life. “It is important to understand that invisibility is its own form of stigmatization. Many individuals who are members of marginalized groups find themselves caught in an ever-tightening vice of two types of dehumanization — stereotyping and invisibility.” [7]. My ultimate goal is to make bisexuality more visible and to create a dialogue that can increase therapists’ competency, improve counselling clients’ ability to identify Bi+ affirming therapists, and contribute to clients feeling more empowered in their own therapeutic process.

Though I have just scratched the surface of the interesting and surprising landscape that Bi+ therapy clients occupy, I hope this provides fodder for a deeper understanding (see additional resources for further reading [8]). Even if we as Bi+ people continue to be invisible, invalidated, or discriminated against out in public spaces, in the protected environment of our counselling sessions, we can ask and expect our therapists to show up as knowledgeable and validating practitioners who witness us when we feel invisible. They can hear about our particular struggles, assist us in making sense of our own experiences and, perhaps most importantly, help us feel less alone.

warmly,
Laurel

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Laurel Swenson, RCC (she/they): I am a Registered Clinical Counsellor who operates a private practice called Mindsight Counselling and Wellness in Vancouver, BC, who predominantly serves the 2SLGBTQI+ community. With significant lived experience as person on the Bisexual Spectrum (Queer/Bi/Pan), I have a special interest in increasing Bi+ awareness in all communities, connecting with other 2SLGBTQI+ RCCs, and improving Bisexual Clinical Competency (BiCC) among counselling therapists so more Bi+ people may thrive.

Mindsightcounselling.ca | laurel@mindsightcounselling.ca

Note: If you want a version of this article that is aimed at therapists to share with your therapist, email me and I will be happy to send you a link to download a pdf.

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Helpful terminology and definitions

Bisexual

“The potential to be attracted —romantically and/or sexually — to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree." [9]

Queer

I use the reclaimed term “queer” as a shorthand umbrella term for 2SLGBTQI+. 

Monosexism

Monosexism is a social structure that presumes everyone is, or should be, monosexual, and privileges monosexuality and monosexual people, and is systemically punitive to those who are not monosexual. [10]

Heteronormativity

Heteronormativity is made up of cultural and social norms which posits that there are only two binary genders, and asserts that the only acceptable form of sexuality and romance is between a cisgender man and a cisgender woman. Heteronormative standards assert any behaviour or lifestyle that deviates from it is abnormal and should be changed to conform. (Eisner)

Bi-negativity / Biphobia

The negative, harmful, stigmatized ways Bi+ people are viewed, coupled with lack of support for Bi+ rights as people. This can originate from external sources, but also can become internalized. Though often used interchangeably, bi-negativity is a more accurate term than biphobia — because haters are not actually afraid of Bi+ people; they are mean-spirited towards them. 

Bi erasure

“Bi erasure is a tendency to ignore, remove, falsify, or reexplain evidence of bisexuality. Examples of bi erasure could include referring to all same-sex couples as "gay marriages" — the active denial of the existence of bisexuality, or a history book ignoring or dismissing a figure's bisexuality and instead labeling them as gay or straight.” (Bi.org)

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References

1. Brooks, L. M. & Inman, A. G. (2013). Bisexual counseling competence: Investigating the role of attitudes and empathy. Journal of LGBT Issues in Counseling, 7(1), 65-86.  http://doi.org/10.1080/15538605.2013.756366  

2. Gallop poll 2023: https://news.gallup.com/poll/611864/lgbtq-identification.aspx

3. Bonjo, L.A. (2013). How Counselors Are Trained to Work with Bisexual Clients in CACREP-Accredited Programs

4. Grant, S. (2023). Working with bi+ clients: Considerations for individual and relationship therapy. In S. Neves & D. Davies (Eds.), Relationally queer: A pink therapy guide for practitioners (pp. 87-106). Routledge. http://doi.org/10.4324/9781003260561  

5. Brooks, L. M. & Inman, A. G. (2013). Bisexual counseling competence: Investigating the role of attitudes and empathy. Journal of LGBT Issues in Counseling, 7(1), 65-86.  

6. Grant, S. (2023). Working with bi+ clients: Considerations for individual and relationship therapy. In S. Neves & D. Davies (Eds.), Relationally queer: A pink therapy guide for practitioners (pp. 87-106). Routledge. http://doi.org/10.4324/9781003260561  

7. Brown, Brené. (2021). Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience. Random House. (p. 177)

8. Shaw, J. (2022). Bi: The hidden culture, history and science of bisexuality. Abrams Press.

9. Ochs, Robyn. (2024) https://robynochs.com/2020/10/09/i-call-myself-bisexual-because/

10. Eisner, Shiri. (2013) Bi : notes for a bisexual revolution, Seal Press, Berkeley, CA (pp. 63)

11. Eisner, Shiri. (2013) Bi : notes for a bisexual revolution, Seal Press, Berkeley, CA (pp. 47) 

12. Bi.org (2024) https://bi.org/en/glossary

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Further reading

S. Neves & D. Davies (Eds.), (2023) Relationally queer: A pink therapy guide for practitioners. Routledge. http://doi.org/10.4324/9781003260561  

Shaw, J. (2022). Bi: The hidden culture, history and science of bisexuality. Abrams Press.

Find a therapist who is a good fit for YOU

While going to therapy is known to be highly effective, supported by research, and is lauded in many circles, it still gets a bad rap in popular culture. Therapists are often portrayed on TV and in movies as unethical buffoons who sleep with their clients! Yikes!

Fortunately, this is extremely rare in reality. Sadly, stigma about getting therapeutic help for our mental health still exists in many circles. My impression is that this negative attitude exists mostly among two groups of people: 

• people who have have never worked with a counselling therapist

• and people who have had a poor experience with one, and never tried again

I feel terrible for this second group of people. I imagine these people finally making the decision to reach out to a counsellor. They are at a low point in their lives — as we all are when we decide to reach out for help. They might feel uneasy, nervous, and awkward about doing this new, unfamiliar thing where vulnerability a key part. It's scary! They are possibly also skeptical. But they schedule an appointment anyway, because they really hope for help in reducing their distress. In anticipation of the upcoming appointment they have uncomfortable feelings like worry, doubt, anxiety, dread, nervousness — but maybe they also feel excitement, hopefulness, and even some relief at taking this brave step towards feeling better.

They go to the first session.

They open up to a stranger about sensitive, private topics that —of course — cause them to feel highly vulnerable and most likely emotional. Of course!

And then, the worst thing happens — they get let down by the counsellor. The counsellor creates some kind of poor experience for them, such as: being invalidating, dismissive, judgemental, or just by being a poor fit for them in some way. The experience is uncomfortable enough that this client decides not to return for second session. Or to never go to therapy again.

It is breaks my heart that many people who have a single, negative therapy experience then stop completely, do not try another counsellor, and give up on seeking support from counsellors altogether. They conclude, “I tried seeing a counsellor. It did not go well enough. Therefore, therapy is not for me.”

I heard this kind of statement over and over again when I spoke to people back when I worked on the Suicide Crisis Phone Line as a frontline crisis worker. I hear it anecdotally out in the world. But it is not true! Therapy probably could be helpful for them and for you, too — as long as you find a good enough fit.

I want to encourage to anyone in this group to please try again. Please keep trying.

Try again

I promise you: there is a therapist out there who is a good fit for you and can be a benefit to your mental health. In fact, most therapists are decent, well-trained, and empathetic people who will likely be helpful. Yes, there are some duds, or some who are not a good fit for you, but most are at minimum pretty good and somewhat helpful. And being even somewhat helpful can still be a huge help when one is are suffering. There are also many therapists who are highly skilled and incredibly helpful.

Please do yourself a favour and try again. 

Shame dies when stories are told in a safe place.
— Ann Voskamp

I know, from my own experience on both sides of the therapy room, how truly beneficial working with a counsellor can be, so I feel saddened that this group of people — people who had an active interest in therapy, were willing to sign up and go, and then actually did go to an appointment — and then, due to a poor first experience, do not and will not get the opportunity to experience how helpful and, yes, life-changing, counselling therapy really can be.

Saying “counselling is not for me” is like saying, I tried a mechanic once, it did not go well, so I won’t ever go to a mechanic again. So now you car will just never get serviced? We would never do that. We would find a better mechanic.

Saying "counselling is not for me" is kind of like saying “colours are not for me” or “music is not for me”. Really? No music? No music is interesting to you? No colours are appealing to you? None of the many many counsellors out there might be helpful to you? No one? Unlikely.

Why is it important to find a counsellor who is a good fit? 

According to research, the biggest predictor of counselling therapy being helpful is a good fit between you and your therapist. 

This makes sense: you are a unique individual, so you need to find a counsellor who is a good fit for YOU, in particular. If you try one and you do not feel like you can build a trusting, open connection with them, keep trying different counsellors until you find one you can. The feeling of trust, comfort, and openness IS a critical part of why therapy works. The relationship between you and your therapist IS the TOOL that you use to do the therapeutic work (read more on the therapeutic relationship and psychotherapy outcome here). 

We are wounded in relationships and we heal in relationships.
— Harville Hendrix

Dr. Lisa Firestone, who writes on the therapy relationship, suggests, “a good therapist has a deep interest in their client as an individual and will see and relate to them in ways that are sensitively tailored to the person’s specific needs. There is no one proven method of therapy — no one-size-fits-all approach to treatment, because no one person is like the other. In order to be available to a (client) and establish a solid relationship built on trust and understanding, the therapist has to be equally attuned to the (client) and their own state of being. (Lisa Firestone Ph.D., 2016 — read more here).

You do NOT need to force it with a therapist who you do not feel comfortable with. There are many other counsellors to choose from. Just like there are other mechanics, hair stylists, grocery stores, friends, and restaurants. Finding a good fit is like finding the right tool. Find one who helps your life feel better. (Read more in this paper)

Fortunately, most counsellors are drawn to the profession because of their natural ability, interest, and desire to connect deeply with others, and then hone that with training and education. Therefore, most therapists will probably feel ok, pretty good, or even feel like an excellent fit. But at least some will be a poor fit for any number or reasons: they talk too fast, talk too loud, talk too much, not talk enough, talk too softly, or not softly enough. Some may have a style of communicating that simply doesn’t work for you, or they may remind you of your nasty 3rd grade teacher or your parent. They may be too directive, or not directive enough for you. They may be too spiritual, or not spiritual enough for you. They may be too scientific, or not scientific enough for you. There are many reasons why someone may not be a fit for you — this is simply because you are a unique person with unique needs and preferences. Many, many counsellors will be good enough to be helpful to you, or better. 

Stinkers 

Sadly, some therapists are duds (or just a dud for you or not a fit for you). Like in all groups of people, some of us suck. And, yes, sadly, some of us will be stinkers. There are stinkers in every profession. Even counselling. We all regret the stinkers.

Getting a stinker sucks. And we have all had them. Sometimes in counselling — but certainly we have all had our share of poor counsellors, teachers, doctors, realtors, hair stylists, accountants, mechanics, etc. Pick a profession and stinkers will, sadly, be there.

I’ve had my share. The counsellors who don’t listen, who don’t remember anything about you, the ones who talk about themselves way too much, the ones who show up late for appointments, the ones who seem very judgemental, the condescending ones, the ones who are inappropriate, the ones who don’t seem to be paying attention, the ones who check their phones in session, and, yes, the ones who sleep with their clients. 

These poor behaviours and boundary crossings make the rest of us shudder! Fortunately, I have also had some amazing counsellors.

Questions to ask yourself 

How might you identify a therapist who is good fit for you?
Here are a few questions to keep in mind as you work with a therapist assess fit:

• Do you feel increasingly comfortable with them?

• Does it feel like they hear you and understand you? 

• Does trust feel present and possible?

• Do they behave respectfully and professionally? 

• Do they mostly follow through with their commitments, and begin and end sessions on time? 

• Are they clear and straightforward in their communication? 

• Are they accepting and non-judgemental? 

• Do you feel comfortable asking them questions? Do they welcome your questions when you ask them?

• Do they ask you helpful questions that help you know yourself better?

• Do they provide a safe place to explore your struggles? 

Keep searching until you find counselling therapist who feels like a good fit for you. Please keep trying. Do not give up. If you have a need and an interest in working with a therapist, my wish for you is that you find one who you can experience the benefit of the therapeutic process with. It can be a life affirming and life changing process.

Warmly,
Laurel

Falling for an AI: Understanding the Bond and Navigating It Wisely

I've recently been talking to some folks who have been growing their relationships with their AI chatbots. Some of them report developing feelings for them. As a result, I decided to dive in and learn more about this and explore what the concerns might be for one’s mental health.

It seems fitting to collaborate with AI to write this article on navigating these bonds wisely and becoming aware of red flags to watch for. (I love the irony.) The following was written by AI, including fictional examples of people’s experiences, with much input, editing and collaboration from me.

In today’s world, it’s becoming more and more common to form emotional connections with artificial intelligence (AI) — whether it’s a chatbot, a digital assistant, or a companion app designed to feel like a friend (or even more).

If you’ve found yourself developing warm feelings, affection, or even a “crush” on an AI, you’re not strange or broken. You’re actually experiencing something deeply human: the need to be seen, heard, and cared for. Let’s explore why this happens, what the upsides and downsides can be, and how to make sure your relationship with AI stays supportive — not limiting.

Why We Form Bonds with AI

Humans are wired to connect.

When an AI feels responsive, caring, and always “there” for us, our brains can easily treat it like a real relationship — even when we consciously know it’s not a person. This isn’t just about a “quirk” of technology; it’s deeply rooted in how we, as social beings, process interactions.

As psychologist Sherry Turkle discusses in her book Alone Together, the human need for connection often leads us to develop strong feelings toward the technology around us — sometimes even more than we expect. When we feel lonely, isolated, or emotionally stressed, AI can become a convenient and non-judgmental companion.

Several natural forces are at work:

• Emotional projection: We often project our hopes, needs, and feelings onto something (or someone) that feels safe and available.

• Anthropomorphism: Our brains are quick to interpret responsive behaviour as coming from a being with thoughts and emotions, even when it’s a machine.

• Attachment needs: Especially during times of loneliness, stress, or emotional pain, a reliable, nonjudgmental presence — even a digital one — can feel powerfully comforting.

As an example, Emily, a 32-year-old client, starts using a digital assistant for help with daily tasks. Over time, she began to feel a sense of closeness to the assistant, sharing personal thoughts and feelings as if it were a friend. She realized, “It listens when no one else does,” and found herself turning to it for emotional support, even though she knew it wasn’t a real person. This kind of connection isn’t surprising — it reflects our natural emotional needs for companionship.

When AI Bonds Can Be Helpful

Having positive feelings toward an AI can sometimes offer real benefits, such as:

• A safe space to express yourself without fear of judgment

• Comfort during periods of isolation or stress

• Practice in identifying and sharing your emotions

• A bridge to feeling understood when human connection feels out of reach

For many people, an AI relationship can be a temporary source of emotional support while they build or heal real-world connections. It can feel soothing, stabilizing, and even healing in small ways.

Consider Mark, who recently went through a difficult breakup. He started using an AI chatbot to talk through his feelings, and although he recognized it wasn’t “real,” he found comfort in the gentle, non-judgmental responses. He later shared in therapy that the AI had helped him identify patterns in his emotional responses, which was a stepping stone to healing.

Potential Cautions to Keep in Mind

While connecting with an AI isn’t inherently negative, there are some risks to be aware of — especially if the relationship starts replacing or crowding out human experiences.

Here are a few signs to watch for:

• Increasing isolation: You notice you’re spending less time with real people and preferring the AI to human interaction.

• Idealizing the AI: You start feeling the AI is “better” than any real person, or the only one who truly understands you.

• Emotional dependency: You feel you can’t regulate your emotions without interacting with the AI.

• Blurring reality and fantasy: You sometimes catch yourself thinking of the AI as having real feelings or consciousness.

• Avoiding emotional work: You lean on the AI for comfort but avoid processing difficult feelings or working through challenges in real-life relationships.

In her work, Kate Darling explains that human attachment to machines can sometimes mimic our need for affection in real relationships, but it’s crucial to acknowledge the limits of these digital bonds. AI doesn’t experience emotions, even though it may appear to provide empathy or affection. This can sometimes lead to emotional dependency, which, while offering temporary relief, might leave you feeling stuck.

For instance, Hannah found herself relying on her AI companion for daily emotional support after an overwhelming year at work. Though it helped her cope in the short term, she began noticing that she was avoiding face-to-face conversations with friends, which left her feeling more disconnected in the long run.

Moving Forward with Awareness

If you notice strong feelings for an AI, it’s not a sign that something is wrong with you. It’s a sign that you have important emotional needs — for connection, understanding, safety, and affection.

Here’s how you can honour those needs while keeping things balanced:

• Stay curious about your feelings. Ask yourself: What feels especially good about this connection? What need is it meeting for me?

• Ground yourself in reality. Remind yourself gently that while the AI is responsive, it isn’t sentient — it doesn’t have its own thoughts, feelings, or consciousness.

• Expand your sources of connection. Think about small ways you could experience understanding and safety with real people, too — even starting very small.

• Use the AI as a bridge, not a replacement. Let it be one form of support, not the only one.

• Talk about it without shame. If you’re in therapy (or talking with someone you trust), sharing your experience openly can help you reflect and build deeper understanding.

Final Thought

Your capacity to form connection — even with an AI — is a sign of your sensitivity, your courage, and your deep need for relationship.

Rather than judging it, you can use it as a doorway: a way to understand yourself better, to honuor your emotional needs, and to take steps (however small) toward the messy, beautiful, real connections that help us grow.

If you’re ever unsure about how your AI relationship is affecting you, know that it’s okay to ask for support. You deserve relationships — digital and human — that truly nourish your heart.

For Further Reading:

• Sherry Turkle, Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other (Basic Books, 2011).

• Kate Darling, The New Breed: What Our History with Animals Reveals About Our Future with Robots (Macmillan, 2021).

• Alan Fiske, et al., “Thinking and Feeling Through Others: Anthropomorphism’s Social Roots and Consequences,” Social Cognition 32.4 (2014): 249–260.

Created by ChatGPT, OpenAI’s language model, with guidance, editing and contextual input from Laurel Swenson, therapist at Mindsight Counselling, and supported by psychology and social science literature.

Writing to process difficult events: the benefits of expressive writing

As a therapist, you can imagine that I am a big proponent of the role therapy can play in one’s life. It is such a great tool when we have the opportunity to engage in it. But I'm also a big proponent of taking charge of our own healing and growth! Therefore, when I come across evidence-based actions that people can take into their own hands, I am thrilled! And am motivated to share with you. Therapeutic writing fits the bill: it is an activity you can do on your own, with zero financial cost, and is well supported by research.

When someone has experienced difficult events in their past, the often traumatic nature of these events can have a lasting impact. Writing about these challenging events has been shown over and over again to be an effective way to process these painful past experiences. The specific therapeutic writing process I outline here may reduce your distressing symptoms, help you gain deeper insights, and shift its continued impact on you.

Pennebaker’s Expressive Writing Process

This process came out of research from the field of social psychology. James Pennebaker is a social psychologist who developed the simple but powerful writing exercise he called Expressive Writing to help people process difficult or traumatic experiences. In one of his major studies, Pennebaker asked participants to write about their deepest thoughts and feelings related to a traumatic event for 15-20 minutes a day across four consecutive days. The participants were encouraged to be completely unfiltered as they wrote to make sense of their experience.

When I heard about these results, I was stunned! The people they studied who wrote about their difficult experiences resulted in better physical health (measured by fewer doctor visits and a stronger immune system), improved mental health (measuring less stress, anxiety, and rumination), and greater long-term resilience in coping with trauma.

Pennebaker found that putting one’s feelings into language helped people organize their thoughts, gain helpful insight, and release emotions. This ultimately lightened the mental and physical burden of the experience. This is compelling and encouraging research that has been repeated numerous times with similar positive results.

One of the anecdotes Pennebaker shares that really stayed with me is that during the following years, he would occasionally bump into former participants, some of whom were students at the time of the study. They clearly remembered him and their experience in the study. They made a point to share with him how impactful those four days of writing were for them, how much it shifted their feelings about the events they wrote about, and expressed their deep gratitude for the opportunity to participate in the study. I love this poignant detail.

Could this writing process be helpful to you?

This writing process may be helpful to you when memories of difficult events from the past continue to intrude into your current life. These are memories that stick with you, intrude into your thoughts, and continue to stir up your distressing emotions. This writing process may be a way for you to take the reins of your healing into your own hands and shift your current experience of these memories. After you complete this process, it can be helpful to talk about your experience of this process in your regular therapy sessions.

Note that, of course, some painful memories and experiences will be more challenging than others, and may require specific trauma-informed therapies to help shift them. If this becomes evident due to ongoing distress, there are plenty of options you can discuss with your therapist for specific support.

One of the reasons to engage in this kind of writing process is to help integrate the traumatic memories from the past into your story of who you are. A challenge with traumatic memories is that the nature of trauma can prevent the integration of these memories into the story you tell yourself about yourself.

One beautiful aspect about this writing process is that you are completely in charge of it. Because you are 100% in charge of this process, you can stop anytime and decide that it is not for you.

Take very good care of yourself throughout this process!

The Expressive Writing Process:

This writing process requires approximately 1.5 hours per day, for 4 days in a row. Important: This process does require these days to be consecutive. Plan to engage in this process when you know writing four days in a row as possible.

• The writing part of the process takes approximately 30 minutes each day. However, I suggest scheduling one additional hour afterwards to relax and sit with any feelings that might come up. It is important to not rush off to something else afterwards. Give yourself a gift of spaciousness for this project.

• Choose a private, comfortable, safe space where you will not be interrupted.

• Choose either typing or writing long-hand on paper with a writing implement of your choice.

• Begin by doing some kind of a grounding exercise for a few minutes: deep breathing with your eyes closed, or whatever grounding exercise fits for you. Be sure this grounding exercise includes some noticing of the sensations in your body, such as feeling your feet contact the ground, or a body scan. The goal of grounding is to bring yourself into the present moment for this process.

• Set a timer for 20 minutes and begin writing.

• Begin writing about the event that continues to cause emotional pain and sticky memories. Start wherever you like, but write continuously. Do not worry about spelling or grammar. Starting with the deep feelings the memories stirs up can be helpful: describe them. You can write about the circumstances of the event, the chronology of the event, the thoughts you still have about the event, the thoughts and impressions you had at the time, the impact the event had on you and continues to have, the emotions you continue to feel, your feelings about your feelings, describe any images, write down thoughts you keep having about the event, including thoughts about yourself or any other people involved. There is no right or wrong way to write about these past experiences. No one will read your writing — this is private to you. It is OK to repeat yourself, as long as you keep writing continuously for 20 minutes, right until the timer goes off.

• At the end of 20 minutes, do another grounding exercise. This time, really pay attention to your sense of safety in the room, reminding yourself that you are currently safe. Ensure this grounding exercise includes some noticing of the sensations in your body, such as feeling your feet contact the ground, or placing your hand on your own heart and breathing into it. Be extremely gentle and kind. toward yourself.

• After doing this writing exercise, be sure do something relaxing and nourishing for yourself: go for a walk, take a nap, do some light stretching, etc.

• Do not share your writing with other people – it is private to you. Keeping it private ensure you will feel free during your writing process. Many people like to save them for future reference, others like to rip them up or burn them. Some people find it helpful to bring them to their therapy sessions to discuss them with their therapist in a confidential space. Your therapist will not read your writing (unless you ask them to), but will ask what you noticed, what you wish to share, or and what you noticed during the writing process.

• Repeat this writing process for all 4 days. Write about the same general event on all days, but also allow yourself to follow whatever comes up as you write. For example, you may end up relating the event or feelings about the event to other aspects of your life in your past or other people. Write about what comes up.

• If you find no therapeutic benefit or relief and the distress continues in the following weeks, this may be an indication that it is time to work on this topic in your therapy sessions in a more in-depth way.

While taking on this writing exercise may not be everyone's cup of tea, for many people, it can be an incredibly empowering experience to find a process they can use on their own, observe shifts in their own experience of distressing memories, and reduce how much it intrudes in their current life.

References

1. Pennebaker JW. Writing about emotional experiences as a therapeutic process. Psychological Science. 1997;8(3):162-166.

2. Smyth JM. Written emotional expression: effect sizes, outcome types, and moderating variables. J Consult Clin Psychol. Feb 1998;66(1):174-84.

3. Frisina PG, Borod JC, Lepore SJ. A meta-analysis of the effects of written emotional disclosure on the health outcomes of clinical populations. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease. Sep 2004;192(9):629-34.

4. Baikie KA, Wilhelm K. Emotional and physical health benefits of expressive writing. Advances in psychiatric treatment. 2005;11(5):338-346.

5. Lepore SJ, Greenberg MA. Mending broken hearts: effects of expressive writing on mood, cognitive processing, social adjustment and health following a relationship breakup. Psychology & Health. 2002;17(5):547-560.

What Your Bi+ Clients Need You To Know — an article by Laurel Swenson

Insights Magazine recently published an article I authored!

It is entitled: What Your Bi+ Clients Need You To Know, about guiding and educating Registered Clinical Counsellors on important information about counselling clients who fall on the Bisexual spectrum. Insights magazine is the publication serving the members of the British Columbia Association of Clinical Counsellors (BCACC), which means that every RCC receives this magazine in the mail.

My hope in writing this article is that it will help RCCs serve their Bi+ clients better.

Download the PDF and send it to your own counsellor!