Why coercive control is hard to see, hard to leave, and often misunderstood
This article is for educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for therapy, crisis support, or safety planning. If you are in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.
When people picture abuse
When people think about abuse, they often picture overt acts — yelling, threats, or physical harm. But many harmful relationships don’t look like that, especially at first. Instead, they are defined by something quieter and harder to name: coercive control.
Coercive control is not about a single incident. It is a pattern that gradually shapes how a person thinks, feels, and behaves — often without their awareness.
Many people search for information about coercive control because they feel confused, stuck, or ashamed for staying in a relationship that doesn’t feel right. You may be wondering whether what you’re experiencing “counts,” why leaving feels so difficult, or why the relationship seems to take up so much of your energy and attention. This article is meant to help you understand what coercive control is — without blame or pressure.
What is coercive control?
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour in which one person gradually takes power over another person’s sense of safety, autonomy, and reality (Stark, 2007).
Rather than relying on constant threats or violence, coercive control often works through:
pressure
emotional consequences
unspoken rules
isolation
erosion of confidence and self-trust
criticism and judgement
It can include behaviours such as:
monitoring or questioning decisions
discouraging contact with friends or family
framing the partner as irresponsible, selfish, or unstable
framing the partner as over-reacting, overly sensitive, or “making a big deal out of nothing”
creating consequences for disagreement (withdrawal, anger, guilt, silence, harsh tone of voice)
positioning themselves as the “reasonable,” “caring,” or “right” one
Individually, these behaviours may not seem alarming. It is the accumulation — and the pattern — that matters.
Why coercive control is hard to recognize
Coercive control rarely begins with control. It often starts with:
intense connection or closeness
protectiveness framed as care
a strong sense of “us”
early reassurance that the relationship is special or different
Over time, that closeness can slowly turn into constraint. Coercive control doesn’t usually remove choice outright — it makes the cost of certain choices feel too high.
Disagreeing may lead to:
emotional withdrawal or the silent treatment
conflict that feels overwhelming or confusing
accusations of being ungrateful, hurtful, or not a good partner
denigration or criticism
a sense that speaking up will only make things worse
Over time, many people stop asking, “What do I want?” and begin asking, “What will keep things calm?” That shift often happens gradually and unconsciously.
Another reason coercive control is so difficult to recognize is that it consumes an enormous amount of attention and energy. Much of a person’s focus becomes directed toward monitoring the relationship — anticipating reactions, avoiding conflict, and trying to keep things stable. When so much mental and emotional bandwidth is taken up this way, there is often little space left for personal goals, interests, creativity, or growth. Over time, many people feel disconnected from themselves, not because they have changed, but because there has been so little room to be themselves.
Insight often follows safety, not the other way around.
Signs of coercive control you might notice
People experiencing coercive control often notice thoughts or feelings such as:
“I’m not sure if this is really that bad.”
“Other people would think I’m overreacting.”
“It’s just easier not to bring things up.”
“I feel anxious before even small decisions.”
“I used to be more confident than I am now.”
“I don’t feel like myself, but I can’t explain why.”
“They’re not wrong — I really am difficult / sensitive / irresponsible.”
“I keep hoping it will go back to how it was at the beginning.”
“I constantly worry about doing things the wrong way.”
“I am often trying to predict how my partner will react, because I never know what will set them off.”
You might also notice patterns such as:
regularly adjusting your behaviour to avoid tension or conflict
second-guessing your memories, reactions, or perceptions
feeling relief when things are calm, even if nothing feels truly good
becoming more isolated from friends, family, or support
avoiding sharing details with others because it feels complicated or hard to explain
feeling responsible for your partner’s emotions or reactions
almost always doing things their way, even when it costs you
losing clarity about what you want, need, or feel
feeling relief when they go away or have plans without you — it feels like a break
finding it difficult or impossible to have open conversations about important but challenging topics
Experiencing these thoughts or patterns does not mean you are weak, naïve, or complicit. They are common responses to long-term relational pressure and uncertainty.
How coercive control works psychologically
Coercive control works because it aligns with very normal human psychology — particularly how people adapt under conditions of emotional threat, dependency, and uncertainty (Herman, 1992; Freyd, 1996).
1. Humans adapt to survive relationships
Most people are wired to preserve connection. When a relationship becomes unpredictable or emotionally unsafe, the nervous system adapts by becoming vigilant and accommodating. This isn’t weakness — it’s survival.
2. The rules are often unspoken
Expectations are rarely stated outright. Instead, the person learns through experience what causes tension, what leads to withdrawal, and what restores calm. Over time, the body and mind learn to anticipate and avoid danger before it happens.
3. Reality becomes harder to trust
Repeated experiences of being told you are “too sensitive,” “overreacting,” or “remembering things wrong” can erode confidence in your own perceptions — a process closely linked to gaslighting and betrayal trauma (Freyd, 1996; Sweet, 2019).
This can lead to:
chronic self-doubt
reliance on the other person to define what is “reasonable”
confusion about whether the relationship is actually unfair
4. The world slowly gets smaller
As isolation increases — sometimes subtly, sometimes overtly — there are fewer outside perspectives to counterbalance what’s happening inside the relationship. Without that reflection, the situation can begin to feel normal.
Why leaving a coercively controlling relationship can feel impossible
From the outside, people often ask, “Why didn’t they just leave?” From the inside, the experience is very different.
Coercive control can train the nervous system to associate leaving with danger rather than relief, especially when intermittent warmth or remorse maintains hope and attachment (Herman, 1992; Bancroft, 2002).
Leaving may feel like:
losing emotional safety
being overwhelmed by guilt or fear
facing retaliation or escalation
stepping into a world that feels unfamiliar or unsafe
losing the version of the partner that sometimes appears loving or remorseful
Many people do not stay because they believe the relationship is healthy. They stay because leaving feels more dangerous than staying — at least in the short term.
Why someone might not realize they’re being controlled
Coercive control often becomes clear in hindsight. That’s because:
the changes happen gradually
moments of care or repair interrupt the harm — sometimes the partner is warm, attentive, or deeply loving
there is no single event that clearly defines “this is abuse”
the person has been adapting step by step
A common experience is recognizing the pattern only after distance is created — emotionally, physically, or relationally.
When someone you love is in a coercively controlling relationship
For friends or family, it can be painful and confusing to watch someone pull away or defend a partner who seems harmful.
From the outside, it may look like a choice. From the inside, it often feels like choosing the option that causes the least harm right now.
Pressure to “just leave” can unintentionally increase isolation — especially if the controlling partner already suggests that others “don’t understand” or “are against the relationship.”
Staying connected, curious, and non-judgemental is often more protective than trying to persuade.
Is coercive control deliberate or malicious?
Many people wonder whether the person doing the controlling is doing it on purpose. The honest answer is: sometimes yes, sometimes no — and the impact still matters either way.
Some controlling behaviours are strategic and intentional: monitoring, intimidation, isolation, or punishment may be used because they reliably get results. In other cases, the person may not experience it as “control” at all. They may tell themselves they are being protective, logical, or justified, and may feel genuinely threatened by a partner’s autonomy.
It can also be both. A person can be emotionally driven — fearful, insecure, flooded — and still make repeated choices that restrict someone else’s freedom. Over time, these patterns can become habitual, especially when they are never named, challenged, or held accountable.
Understanding what drives coercive control (fear, entitlement, insecurity, learned patterns) can explain why it persists (Bancroft, 2002; Stark, 2007). It does not excuse it. Accountability and change require insight, responsibility, and a willingness to stop prioritising control over mutual respect.
Why do people engage in coercive control?
Most people who engage in coercive control do not experience themselves as “abusive.” Often, coercive behaviour is driven by:
intense fear of abandonment
a need to manage anxiety through control
deep insecurity masked by certainty or righteousness
learned relationship patterns from earlier life
difficulty tolerating difference, autonomy, or uncertainty
Control can become a way to regulate emotional distress. By limiting another person’s independence, anxiety is reduced — at least temporarily. Without insight and accountability, controlling behaviour often escalates rather than resolves.
This does not excuse the harm caused. But it can help explain why the behaviour can feel persistent and resistant to change.
A crucial distinction
Understanding coercive control does not mean:
blaming yourself for staying
excusing harmful behaviour
minimising the impact of the relationship
It means recognizing that what happened was shaped by human psychology, nervous-system responses, and relational dynamics — not personal failure.
A final note
If you recognise yourself or someone you love in this description, know this: difficulty leaving is not evidence that the relationship was okay. It is often evidence of how deeply the pattern had taken hold.
Support, perspective, and safety — not pressure or shame — are what help people find their way out.
Grounded in research and clinical writing
This article is informed by research and clinical writing on coercive control, trauma, and relational abuse, including the work of Evan Stark, Judith Herman, Lundy Bancroft, and Jennifer Freyd.