How to stay connected without pushing — and what actually helps
This article is for educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional support or safety planning. If you believe someone is in immediate danger, contact local emergency services.
What you may be seeing
When someone you care about is in a coercively controlling relationship, it can be frightening, infuriating, and deeply confusing. You may feel as though you are watching a person you love get smaller — while the relationship takes up more and more space.
From the outside, it can look like a series of choices: cancelling plans, pulling away, defending a partner, or “going quiet.” From the inside, it often feels like choosing the option that causes the least harm in the moment.
A quick definition (in plain language)
Coercive control is a pattern in which one person gradually restricts another person’s autonomy, relationships, and sense of reality. It is often subtle, cumulative, and difficult to name while it is happening (Stark, 2007).
Rather than relying on constant threats or overt violence, coercive control often works through pressure, emotional consequences, unspoken rules, isolation, and erosion of self-trust.
Signs you might notice in someone you care about
Everyone is different, but supporters often notice patterns such as:
Your loved one seems more anxious, hesitant, or self-doubting than they used to be.
They withdraw from friends, family, or activities that once mattered to them.
They appear to check in with their partner before making ordinary decisions.
They minimise or rationalise behaviour that sounds clearly unfair from the outside.
They share concerns, then pull back or protect the partner.
They seem relieved when things are calm, even if they also seem less like themselves.
If you’re supporting someone in this situation, you might also be noticing or thinking…
Supporting someone in a coercively controlling relationship often brings up intense and complicated reactions.
You might notice thoughts such as:
“They don’t seem like themselves anymore.”
“I don’t recognise the choices they’re making.”
“Why do they defend someone who treats them this way?”
“Every conversation feels like walking on eggshells.”
“I’m scared something serious is happening.”
“If I don’t push harder, I’m failing them.”
“I feel angry — and then guilty for feeling angry.”
You might also notice patterns like:
a growing sense of urgency, fear, or panic
feeling shut out, kept at a distance, or unsure what to say
rehearsing conversations in your head before reaching out
worrying that anything you say might make things worse
feeling increasingly frustrated, helpless, or exhausted over time
None of these reactions mean you are doing something wrong. They are common responses to watching someone you love become increasingly constrained or isolated.
Why “just leave” usually doesn’t help
A common impulse is to push for clarity or action: “This is abuse. You need to leave.” Even when this assessment is accurate, pressure often backfires.
Urgency, ultimatums, or repeated arguments can increase shame or defensiveness, deepen isolation, reinforce the idea that no one else understands, and make the controlling relationship feel like the safer option.
When someone is living under coercive control, leaving rarely feels simple or safe — even if it looks that way from the outside.
What tends to help more than pressure
Support that is most protective over time often looks like this:
Stay connected. Consistent, low-pressure contact matters more than perfect words.
Be curious, not prosecutorial. Ask open questions rather than presenting conclusions.
Validate their experience. You don’t need to debate facts to acknowledge distress.
Name patterns gently. Describe what you’re noticing rather than diagnosing the relationship.
Offer practical support. Rides, childcare, a place to stay, help documenting concerns, or help finding resources — without forcing a plan.
Respect their pace. Safety and insight often develop gradually, not all at once.
Words that often land well
Supportive language that tends to keep the door open includes:
“I’ve noticed you seem more on edge lately. How are you, really?”
“I’m not here to judge your relationship. I just care about you and want you safe.”
“If you ever want to talk, I’ll listen — no pressure, no ‘I told you so.’”
“Would it help to think together about what support might feel useful right now?”
“If you decide to make changes later, you won’t have to do it alone.”
What to avoid (even with good intentions)
Interrogating or pressuring (“Why would you stay?”)
Making attacking the partner your main strategy
Demanding immediate decisions or ultimatums
Sharing information in ways that could escalate risk (for example, confronting the partner)
Turning every interaction into “the relationship conversation”
If you’re worried about safety
If you notice signs of escalation, stalking, threats, or fear around leaving, prioritise safety planning and professional support. If your loved one is open to it, you can offer to help them connect with local domestic violence services or a therapist who understands coercive control.
A grounding reminder for supporters
You cannot argue someone into safety.
What helps most is steady connection, non-judgement, and practical support — so that when the person is ready, they have somewhere safe to turn.
If you’re reading this and wondering whether these patterns might apply to your own relationship, you may find this article helpful: Coercive Control: How It Works and Why Leaving Feels Impossible.
References
Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control. Herman, J. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Freyd, J. (1996). Betrayal Trauma.